With Heartbeats and Soundwaves

So, I've stayed away from this subject for about four months. I did it for a variety of reasons but mostly it was because it's taken a good four months simply to come to terms with the idea that in another four and a half months I will become a father. This baby is a product of the ever popular "Not exactly trying, but not NOT trying" philosophy of starting a family and with that comes the inevitable "We're going to have a baby now". I guess that means I didn't have the luxury of weighing the concept of fatherhood before the moment when I found out I would become a father. Of course, that's what I told myself. The reality, of course, is twofold. One, even if I had all the time in the world to contemplate becoming a dad, I would be no different than I am now. There is still the hammer of reality that hits you when you find out that the baby is less an idea and more a being that is beginning to make your wife sick on a regular basis. I don't care how ready you are, the first time you find out, it sets the world spinning at the very idea of all the changes your life will undergo.

The second fact is that I've been weighing the idea of becoming a father for the better part of the last eight years. I've always wanted to be a dad. There was never any question. Dad was simply something I knew I wanted to be and it was only a question of when. So, the past four months have simply been a process of weeding through all my new thoughts and feelings and coming right back to where I was when I started.

For the first few weeks/months of the Jennifer's pregnancy, all I got was the experience as translated through my wife. It was mostly things like being tired and nauseous all the time. The reality was all on her side with the body changes and new sensory information. As for me, I didn't really have a whole lot to go on. I felt the same and Jennifer didn't really look all that different, even thought I knew things were changing. But on our first visit to the doctor, I got to hear my child's heartbeat for the first time. That was the fist communication I got from my new son/daughter. He/She communicated to me through the beating of a heart, letting me know that everything was ok. That life was growing and thing were going well. It was my first time knowing that my child was really there; my first tangible sign.

Over the course of the next two months, the changes became dramatic. Jennifer started to look pregnant. To her, a horrible notion of getting bigger. To me, a wonderful moment of me being able to realize that my wife's body was more than hers now. It was the safe home of our new baby and her body was doing this amazing job of changing to meet that needs of the new life inside it. Jennifer is beautiful when she's pregnant. What a pure form of joy. We heard the heartbeat again, stronger and more clear than before. Jennifer felt the baby move. She describes the feeling as her being a dryer with a little load of laundry tumbling around. Our little one, communicating with mom, saying that things are ok. That life is active and that movements that will be used for the rest of it's life are being practiced.

Two days ago, we saw our baby for the first time via Ultrasound. Soundwaves bounced back to us, showing us the first images of our little one. To look at pictures is one thing, but to see it move! It's a little life, growing and playing and showing behaviors that it will carry on with when it reaches us. Our baby crosses it's legs when it rests. Will it do that when it rests at home? Does it do that because I do that all the time? My legs are always crossed when I'm resting. Did I give it that? It has a cute, upturned nose like it's mom. Will it have mom's eyes too? I had this moment of connection when I saw the baby's hand. Something about it made it so real and so precious. I'll get to hold those hands soon. I'll get to feel them curl around my finger and tap my face. I can't wait.

There again, we got to communicate to our new baby. We got to peek into it's little world and check in on how it's doing. Making sure everything is ok and is how it should be. Too bad it will never know that there was once a day where two adults looked at a monitor and sat with tears, excitement and amazement looking in on it. That we sat and rejoiced for the first time in little movements. That we laughed when we saw it's little feet for the first time and stared at each other in disbelief at this little one that was part me and part her. Too bad it will never remember that day when two people sat and loved it and wished they could have held it.

It's like we're getting a telecast from the moon. With heartbeats and soundwaves we meet child for the first time. With heartbeats and soundwaves we hear from our baby that things are ok, that it's just playing and resting and growing. With heartbeats and soundwaves we grow more and more sure that this is the greatest thing either of us have ever done. And how strange and wonderful it is that, with heartbeats and soundwaves, we fall in love with our little one who will make us a family.